Bathe in your mental instability.

No way. No way, no way, no way. I MUST reach into the cavernous depths of my mind. I MUST write. I think lots of Godflesh may help. Probably too abstract though. I may be getting too derivative.

Or maybe I'll just wait til I awake. Think of something fresh. Minus doubting my work.

Too tired to write today. Maybe later. Do have pen & paper in pocket just in case. Submissive Manipulation. Have a theme, at least.

Also, why must my hair be curly these days?

Being blithe, in terms of dexterity, is so much fun while drunk+xs.

Plus I'm enjoying Kierkegaard massively at the moment. Zing.

Wrote another song. It's very Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Pretty creepy stuff.

EDIT: Mustn't fall asleep. Have social engagements.

Ignore previous entries. I just spoke with my mother and I feel a bit better. She's my lifeline.

eh whatever. fuck it all. i want to live on another planet.

Someone smack this this little Red Sox bastard in the face. Please.

http://deadspin.com/5403681/breaking-news-red-sox-fan-is-terrible-human?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+deadspin%2Ffull+(Deadspin)

Sure seems like someone's more than a little bitter concerning the opposite sex.

[00:36] phreneticpunk420: well me and andrea decided we will have 4 weddings
[00:36] angelfeti5sh: lol
[00:36] phreneticpunk420: one i wear the tux and she wears the dress
[00:36] angelfeti5sh: i will be your maid of honor at all four
[00:36] phreneticpunk420: then one where I wear the dress and she wears the tux
[00:36] phreneticpunk420: then we both wear the tux
[00:36] phreneticpunk420: then we both wear the dress
[00:36] phreneticpunk420: so its sorta fair for everyone
[00:37] phreneticpunk420: lol
[00:37] angelfeti5sh: best idea ever

Sorta NSFW:

I've been asking myself why I've been so depressed over the past few weeks. The question I SHOULD be asking is, "Why was I so happy/content over the past few months?"

I've bitched about them ad nauseam but the fact is that events in my life from summer 2007 (I'm sure quite a few of my LJ friends remember the house I briefly lived in) onward have affected me so terribly. It's been a slow and steady process but, at this point (if not even earlier), I've lost all motivation. I don't want to do anything. The only thing I want to do is drink. A lot. On a daily basis(it's the only way I know how to cope with things). I'm happy when I'm drunk. I'm almost exclusively happy when I'm drunk.

Rationally speaking, I have a lot going for me. I just don't care. Dude, I want my life to end but I can't even find the motivation to off myself.

People usually suggest that I seek help in the form of therapy or some sort of substance abuse counseling. Guess what. It doesn't work. Not for me, anyway.

Oh, and I may be a bit premature about this but it seems like I'm going to end my current relationship. I have the inability to stay with one person for more than 2-3 months. I get bored easily.

I was trying to think of someone I can talk to. Someone who knows me well enough AND happens to be an insightful person. Ya know, I could only think of about four or five people out of what seems like a TON of friends. And they're all busy and/or at work/school. I just find that depressing. So I will start drinking early today.

I keep editing this entry like a total jackass. But there's something I've realized. My [suddenly intensified] alcoholism is actually one of the main problems. If not THE main problem. Let's go back to the summer of 2007.

Batshit insane roommate problems? I start drinking a lot.

Problems at the last paid job I held? Start drinking a lot.

Have a major relationship end? The level of drinking escalates and my personality takes a backflip and I turn to a conceited little bitch (a side-effect of the alcoholism, perhaps?).

Find out I don't wanna hold a steady relationship with anyone (seriously, nothing has lasted past 2-3 months at most in the past year, even if it's someone I REALLY like...mostly due to my insecurities)? Continue drinking.

Find out I have a minor form of cancer and go through about half a year of treatment? AWESOME! LET'S DRINK EVEN MORE!

So. Drinking has been a temporary fix for approximately two years. Happy when drunk; extremely unhappy when not drunk. I've been failing at getting it through my thick skull: the reason I'm unhappy when I'm not drunk is because alcohol is a depressant.

Additionally, it's directly and indirectly the cause of my unhappiness. Indirectly...how? Staying busy is a way to keep myself happy, right? How do I keep myself busy? Get a job! I have no excuses here, I can't get a job (even if my options may be limited due to health issues) because I don't even leave the house without alcohol in my system. Now, who wants to hire the guy who smells like vodka when handing in his resume?

I kick ass at screwing myself over. I consider myself to have a brilliant mind. But it's of no use if I've spent most of my twenty-three years wasting it.

Essentially, this post is my version of a cry for help. I would do what most people do and try to kill myself but I don't agree with suicide. It's a terrible thing to put your friends and family through (failed attempt or not). Just being honest here, I don't mean to offend anyone with that statement.

I've been a bit depressed over the past couple weeks. I don't know why. It's not like anything even remotely life-altering has happened. Maybe the attitudes and the events in other peoples' lives have been affecting me?

Whatever, I don't know why I'm freaking out...this will blow over soon enough.

Or maybe there's something seriously wrong and I'm unable to identify the problem.

Drank too much last night. Tummy feels weird today. It's First Friday. Going to Harrison building, I think. Anyone else going?

BTW, KMFDM was awesome last night.

[17:06] xr4o2x0yx: chino went peewee outside!
[17:06] angelfeti5sh: yay!
[17:06] xr4o2x0yx: yeah
[17:06] angelfeti5sh: the dog thing is learning! :-p
[17:06] xr4o2x0yx: but no poopie
[17:07] xr4o2x0yx: poopy?
[17:07] angelfeti5sh: poopy is correct in my book
[17:07] xr4o2x0yx: k
[17:07] xr4o2x0yx: yeah cuz poopie looks like poop pie
[17:08] angelfeti5sh: LOL

I feel more at peace with myself lately.

Also, Flaming Wands will need 2-3 more members. Bassist, keyboardist, and someone who's willing to heavily fuck around with toy instruments. All of whom must have an interest in making noise music.

As of last Tuesday, Chucky and I moved into our new apartment in Broad Ripple. And we finally got internets today! Cha-ching!

Now, I must hang out with/get annoyed by Nick and Derek.

Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world... too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.
Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world, you can get off anytime you want.
Suicide. That's right.
You don't like the way your life's going,
you don't like the way you are in the world,
anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.
Animals aren't allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.
There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.
Zebras... if they even had remotely that thought
would take a look at themselves and go, 'What the F*#K!'
Black & white in a green & brown world... this blows.
I'm just gonna jump in the river....
I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife
or even open a jar of pills.
I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth.
Why even bother?'
Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb
so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.
Now, there's a bunch of people that say,
'Oh, it's against the law'.
Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught.
Other people say, 'Oh, we should save them'.
Yeah, well you know what?
Not everybody wants to be saved.
Not everybody should be saved.
And who are we to force our will upon them?
I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human?
Freedom of choice?
Now, it's not all bad.
Now, I'm not saying 'Kill yourself'.
But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway,
it's no sweat off of my back.
There's a lot of good that could come from it.
A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:
A job will open...
An apartment will become available...
There'll be more air for me...
They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me...
There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me...
There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out...
I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips
and have the clerk point at you and say, 'They bought the last bag'....
You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served...
You'll never get AIDS...
You won't have to worry about calories ever...
No more, 'Hey, does this make me look fat?'...
There'll be one less polluting human...
You won't have to recycle... There'll be one less car on the road...
There'll be more Ring Dings for me...
Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared...
Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios...
You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore...
No more church...
You'll be saying, 'Hey, World - Kiss My Ass!'...
No more wet dreams about Supermodels...
No more Barry Manilow... Not for a few years anyway...
Wondering 'Am I a loser?' will be a thing of the past...
Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles...
You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion...
Fuck flossing and brushing...
You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare...
Adios, Acne...
Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain...
See ya later, homework...
You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park...
School's out forever....
No more paying bills...
You won't have to do chores...

You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though...
You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries...
Bugs Bunny...
The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time...
You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws...
Candy...
Living above ground...
Pudding crust...
You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment...
Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to fuck off!
I gotta make my own mistakes, you did...
You'll miss sex - you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it,
sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners...
No more summer nights that seem to go on forever... Roller coasters....
Naming your kid the name you always wanted...
Making a difference in the world...
You'll miss the experience and pleasure of hallucinogenics...
Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open...
A lifetime of masturbating...
Watching your favorite team sweep the series...
Music, you will definitely miss music...
Trying to sneak into your house drunk - three hours past your curfew...
You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks...
The taste of Captain Crunch...
If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt...
If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants...
You'll miss your favorite coat...
Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries...
Beating your friends at video games...
You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be...
You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact...
The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas...
Skinny dipping...
Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin...
Flying cars...

Hey, you were born, finish what you started!

Probably the most exciting thing I'd have done in a while. Loren, his friend Monica, Andrew, and I are planning on going to Brazil during winter break/new years-ish. There's about a 90% chance I'll be able to afford tickets.

Yessssssssssssss.

I like this theme. I wanted a change from the flowers plus this has ultimate nostalgic factorness. That one summer after graduating high school...chillin by James' beach-house. Drinkin at the beach at nighttime. Being [relatively] innocent. Back when everyone still got along with everyone else. Best summer ever!

[16:53] angelfeti5sh: you know what
[16:53] angelfeti5sh: when i'm down on myself
[16:54] angelfeti5sh: i should just think about your plight
[16:54] angelfeti5sh: it'll make me feel better
[16:54] johnnynottoscale: fuck you
[16:54] johnnynottoscale: lol

Surprisingly, I'm not completely upset with the first part of this Flaming Wands song. Needs much more work though.

Today Flaming Wands begin recording. Two week deadline to complete our demo EP.

FLAMING WANDS WILL DESTROY YOUR CONVENTIONALISM.